It sucks to feel regret. It sucks a lot when you’re someone who feels anxiety to words like “last,” “end,” and “next chapter.” New chapters in life occur after both joyous and mournful events, but to someone who is trapped by thoughts of what hasn’t and may happen, even happy life events are soured by worry. These people avoid reminiscing while at the same time cannot delete a single blurry photo from the 64,000 they have for fear of wanting it when the loved one in it has passed. Their anxiety forces them to miss out on fun outings and potential friendships; they tear up over the missed opportunities and can’t help but constantly ponder how much happier they’d be if they had socialized more. They don’t hate people – they’re very loyal to friends and often fear being alone. They’re most afraid of being left behind by the few they care about and cannot escape this constant worry. Their anxiety often paralyzes them from being able to eat, if they remember at all. It’s so painful to realize that you’ve kept yourself from a happier life because of something in your brain that you cannot control. It’s debilitating only to think of all the different ways and times that your loved ones could leave you on this earth. Therefore, they try to think about the past or the future as little as possible.

I’m telling you this so that you’ll understand why this is so hard for me to write.

I’ve always been on the quiet side, which came up a lot in parent-teacher conferences at school: “She never asks questions!” “I never see her smile!” “She seems to be by herself a lot,” etcetera. Being shy isn’t new to me, but I do feel like it’s gotten a lot worse in the last four years as my personality has matured in the backdrop of my university. I can recall a time where I was really just shy – it was difficult to say hi to someone, but once I did I never stopped talking! Since around middle school, I have struggled with this thing I do that I call “projecting.” I often exclude myself from conversations with people I know because I feel that they do not want me around and laugh at me when I’m not there.  Through help from my partner and my psychologist I’ve come to recognize that these resentments towards me are not real; I’ve fabricated them. I’m “projecting” my thoughts onto these people and seeing it as reality. Discussing possible causes for this self-harming behavior with my psych led me to diagnoses of anxiety and depression. From that point I was able to acknowledge my mental illness, and since then I have more easily been able to identify the line between fabrication and reality.

That being said, I still feel regret from the times I’ve let my mental illness get the better of me.

I’ve been in ecology for the last two years, since I changed my major from environmental engineering. During my first semester in ecology, I made a handful of friends who I clung to until either they graduated or I no longer had any classes with them. I saw groups of other ecology students who had already known each other for two or more years and, not wanting to be intrusive, I avoided them in favor of other students who also were quiet and sat alone. I was invited by some of my classmates to events several times but declined because for some reason I thought they didn’t actually want me to come (it sounds silly now that I’m typing it). A week ago I finally accepted an invitation to one girl’s house, along with a sizable group of other ecology students. I was so excited! They were really kind and friendly when they asked me, and I was looking forward to being part of the group. I arrived at the house (with beverages, of course) and we had a great time! We played Scrawl, a hilarious game I’d never heard of, and I laughed harder than I have in a long while. Even though most of us drank too much (my partner picked my friend and I up, he’s such a sweet guy) I had a lot of fun and was so glad that I agreed to go. I sit here now and wonder why I didn’t participate sooner. I could have had that experience many times, not just once, and now I won’t have another chance to be a carefree college student. I guess it’s good that I had this experience at all, because I learned something about myself and hopefully will be more aware of my false perceptions in the future.

After four years, two days ago was my last day of undergrad classes. In a week I will graduate with a Bachelor of Science in ecology, and then I will join the workforce. I won’t have another chance to replicate that one night, but it’s a memory that I’m glad to hold onto.

No matter how we feel about it, time will continue to pass and we will always be required to find ways to cope with the changes in our lives. I’ve learned that while it’s comfortable for me to be alone in a place that’s familiar and secure, I look back with regret for the people I didn’t meet and the things I didn’t do. Going forward, I will make more of an effort to speak up and allow myself to bloom in the presence of others.

They always say we should “stop and smell the roses.”

Don’t be the one who lets them smell you.

-Amy